Mr. Chairman, dear colleagues, ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to thank the Organisation for this opportunity, but before I start this speech I also would like to thank all of those who have contributed to this success. I don’t have the words to express my gratitude. What the hell is this? The longest fucking speech you’ve ever heard with long and boring sentences. You get it, open your ears.

Our organisation has made this season 500% profit. I’m sure that everybody will enjoy it. But right now we’re going to have to change our strategy. At this point I will call Mr. John Doe.

The audience was sleeping for half an hour. Some applause introduces the head of marketing. A small fat man came to the stage. His suit was well done, his voice was clear. He started slowly with a lot of energy. The numbers were rolling into his mouth. His gestures started to be more and more straight. Suddenly a button went off from his shirt, and a second one, and all of them. His face grew and grew: “We are going to make the biggest advertising campaign that the Organisation has ever seen. We will direct all of the world’s consumers. Our product is unique because we are unique.” Finally he exploded. The audience was full of flesh.

Everybody was looking at everybody else. They realised that the Head of Marketing had tranformed himself into a monster. Some were applauding, others were screaming, a part of them were still dreaming about sex parties or something like that. The monster was Moving slowly. It was still growing. Suddenly, well, at this point of the story there is every time a kind of hero. At this moment I think it could be a mix of a humanist and a yuppie type. Let’s say, a Marketing Anarchist. So, this guy stands up and starts to say: “Well, Mr. John Doe, Head of Marketing, Monster of Monsters, I’d like to apologise, but all you explained was a chicken strategy.”

The audience were starting to go Ah, Oh, Uh. The dreamers woke up. The young guy continued: “At the beginning of the day you were an egg. So at the end of the day you are a – with perfect logic – a chicken.” Then the yuppie anarchist started a chicken dance. “Pot, pot, coduc, pot, pot, coduc”. It was amazing. All the dreamers woke up, and some of them started to dance too. The monster became red, yellow, green. He was furious. Some flame came out of his mouth.

The conference room became a fireplace. Emergency, emergency. The Chairman had never seen anything like that. He decided that it was Tea Time. All the members of the Organisation went out discussing the event. Some agreed with what was said, others didn’t. “Why don’t we use a duck strategy?” someone asked. This original idea was approved for a few minutes, but it had been over when someone said: “How do you make a duck egg omelette?”

The fireman had just cleaned the room when the bell rung. This second round was very hard. Everybody mentioned arguments. The young Yuppie Anarchist made the final point when he stood up and asked: ”How do you cook two eggs on toast?” The Monster explained the recipe: “You just have to break two eggs in a frying pan with oil and put the fresh bread into the toaster.” The Hero stood up “You don’t have any education, Mr.Monster, Head of Marketing. Not any. You should separate the yellow from the white. Cook the white first and then put the yellow on top of the white. Then, cook them in an oven for a few seconds. At the end put some vinegar onto the white.” Mr. John Doe stopped breathing. He fell down. Our Hero won the ultimate battle.

The Chairman promoted him as Head of Marketing. Everybody applauded. The Organisation made a million Dollars. Because they had the recipe. A few years later the story became a legend, but nobody heard about the Hero. Some said that he was so rich that he went to a nice island in the Pacific, others said that he went to the mountains for meditation. The truth is different. You remember the Tea Time when everybody was discussing. The Monster and the Hero made a pact: I need your youth, I give you the power, let’s make an agreement. The head of marketing simulated his death. The Hero directed this service with the knowledge of John Doe. But after a while the young Yuppie Anarchist started to get old, so he was fired. Now you can meet him around the Hackney Wick area with a Strongbow in his hand.

SUPPORT DATACIDE – ORDER A COPY, TAKE OUT A SUBSCRIPTION OR MAKE A DONATION – You can do all this through the form on the right of this web page (on mobile devices scroll down), or by clicking HERE for more information and payment options. THANKS!

Related Posts